fresh eyes

had one of those days today where i did lots of random little jobs around the house.  i tried to look at the house with fresh eyes, so i could see all the clutter that had gotten so familiar i was no longer annoyed by it.

i cleaned out my entire panty.  i tossed three garbage bags full of junk from my pantry.   medication that had expired in may of 2003, easter candy from last year, still in the grocery bag, jars of homemade jam that had foam floating on the top of them--you get the picture.

then i moved to the balcony outside our dining room.  it is a lovely little spot, really--potentially, that is. but right now it is just plain ugly.  i walked out, looked around, and saw three dish towels in a pile leaning against the wall.  they were faded from months or maybe years of lying in the sun, stiff, moldy from the rain and covered with leaves.  i have no idea why they were there, or how long they had been there, or why it has taken me so long to care.

i tossed the ruined dish towels, swept the balcony and hosed it down good.  and i am beginning to envision the balcony with a potted plant or two (which is a dangerous idea to contemplate for a plant-killer like me) a little wrought iron reading chair and table, perhaps?

it felt so good to throw stuff out today.  to clean up, to do something besides the daily grind kind of chores that i do everyday.

the truth is, i need to have fresh eyes about my life too.  there is so much in me that i have let sit for too long.  things i have gotten so used to seeing in the pantries and balconies of my soul that i no longer hear the Holy Spirit's voice nudging me to take out the trash.  i am asking God to give me fresh eyes (His eyes).  and, honestly, i am afraid.

 i have read two very convicting books lately, "safely home" by randy alcorn, and "crazy love" by francis chan, and our pastor has been preaching the same themes.  all of it is laying me bare.  everything around me right now is calling me to a radical life of surrender, one the Holy Spirit has been nudging me to live for awhile now.

why is there so much fear?  am i afraid i won't be able to do it?  the truth is:  i CAN'T do it.  that's the point.  sometimes i get paralyzed because i have a really clear picture of what my life should be, and when it doesn't measure up, i get discouraged and resigned to a life of, of, what--mediocrity, false security and comfort, isolation, lack of real, deep and lasting joy?  how foolish i sometimes am. 

 i don't want that to happen anymore. 

and so i pray, God, for fresh eyes, and for Your compassionate love and grace toward me to motivate me  (and not my hard, stubborn bent towards living on my own strength) and move me toward You, humbly, every day.